So in case anyone was wondering… last month hasn't been the best I've had.
This is what's been happening to me.
So I haven't posted.
But that's just between us.
The official reason I haven't posted this month is that I've been doing some thinking.
Lot's of it.
So much that my head exploded… and then I had to glue the pieces back together.
Only officially though.
I'm not really sure ALL of the thinking has been fruitful.
But I'm going to lay it out for you anyway.
Because I'm a nice person.
And because you should know.
I don't know why.
But you should.
Here's what I've discovered after all the thinking:
- We have no control over our brain.
I knew that already- but the last month really hit the point home.
You tell it to stop thinking about something- and that's the only thing it WILL think about.
It's the most annoying thing in the world.
If the brain wasn't so important- I'd just throw it out of my body.
Like the appendix.
The appendix isn't annoying- it's just useless.
I'd exchange my good-for nothing, punk brain for another appendix if I could.
- The only way I can make my nose smaller- without going to a plastic surgeon is by losing weight.
I think my body stores all the extra weight on my nose.
Some bodies store it around the hips.
Some around the abdomen area.
Mine stores it on the nose.
- God steers our lives using a technologically advanced thingamabob called the GPS.
Bullet point number 1- I have spoken about at length.
So I'm not going to go there.
I'm so livid with my brain- I'll start frothing at the mouth if I talk about it anymore.
I'll have more to say on bullet point number 2- after starving for three months and observing the results.
So watch this space for more.
Today I wanted to talk about bullet point number 3.
Since dazzlingly brilliant analogies to elucidate my theories is one of my most appreciated talents- I will use this method of instruction to illustrate my latest discovery.
I've known about this for sometime- but the last month has revealed the inner workings of this phenomenon to me. So brace yourself.
You are soon to come in possession of some extremely privy information.
I’d like to call this theory 'Life's cupcake kitchen'.
I know the name's a little tacky- but it really fits the bill.
Hits the nail on the head.
Packs the punch.
Get's the job done.
You'll see why in a moment.
Now this can get a little complicated… so please pay close attention.
God steers our lives using his own GPS.
God's GPS is kind of similar to our regular GPSs in cars or on phones.
But not completely.
I made a little table so that it's easier for you to understand.
So everyone has to reach somewhere in their life.
They want to do something that makes them happy.
They want to attain something.
I'll be stopping that now.
The only thing is- we don't exactly know what that is.
But He won't tell.
Let's assume for the sake of simplicity that we want a cupcake.
That's our destination.
Our kitchen with a cream cheese frosted vanilla cupcake in our hands.
Our human GPS system would just give us the directions to the kitchen.
The shortest route to get there.
If God's GPS worked like that- we would end up in our kitchen- sure…
but we wouldn't really know what to do there.
Because we don't have a cupcake waiting for us on the kitchen platform or in the fridge.
We need to MAKE it.
You heard me.
We need to get our hands dirty, with the flour and the sugar and stuff and bake ourselves a cupcake.
For those of you who thought you could just go the fridge and find a cupcake in there…
You think we'd need a lifetime to get to the kitchen and open the fridge?
Coz life is just that easy?!?!
So you see how the complexity is built into the system?
We have a destination but we don’t know what it is.
We need to buy ingredients- but we don't know what they are.
And then we get to this mysterious destination and bake our cupcake.
Only we don't know it yet.
And we don't take the shortest route.
And we don't have clear instructions.
Doesn't that come close to describing your life??
It's definitely beginning to sound like mine.
So we go through life- sometimes taking turns (taking decisions to pursue one path or the other) using our brain and analyzing stuff.
Sometimes taking turns- based purely on our gut.
We trip and fall.
We get lost along the way.
We feel pain.
We face loss.
We feel like we've reached perdition.
We start wondering if God even loves us.
If He even knows we exist.
We start looking up to the skies and screaming 'Why me??!?! WHY MEEEE?!?!'
You don't do that??
I don't either.
Some people do that.
Can you believe the losers!?!?!?
Each turn though- is planned.
We are being guided by God's GPS.
God's Purposeful Surveillance.
Each feeling we experience is an ingredient of the cupcake.
The pain, the despair, the hopelessness, the heartache, the disappointment.
All ingredients of the cupcake.
All make you a better cook and pave the way to a better cupcake.
I'm rolling my eyes too.
But it's the system.
I didn't invent it.
Don't shoot the messenger.
Imagine getting to your kitchen in the fag end of your life- ready to bake your cupcake- but you realize you forgot to buy the vanilla essence.
Your cupcake isn't going to smell very nice.
It's basically going to spoil everything.
It's not going to be the same without the heavenly smell of vanilla emanating from the oven.
I know what emanate means.
The pain is supposed to teach you how to enjoy the … well… the non-pain.
The failure is supposed to teach you how to relish your success.
The heartache is supposed to teach you how to enjoy … love.
A bad relationship is supposed to teach you how to appreciate a good one.
I'm about to barf too.
But it's sort of true if you think about it.
You need to go through the bad stuff to appreciate the good stuff when it happens to you.
Otherwise you will have an essence-less cupcake.
In fact, even if you have the best cupcake in the world, you will NEVER realize it.
Don't get me wrong.
That doesn't make life any easier to bear.
I've known about this GPS gizmo all month now…
but it's not helping that 3 ton weight on my chest.
It's right there.
All the time.
No matter what I think about and how much I put my faith in God and imagine the cupcake … I feel it crushing my rib cage every second.
But I guess I'm trying to say that it's necessary.
It's necessary if you want that perfect cupcake at the end of your life.
It's what happiness costs.
Oh.. And one last thing.
The more turns you take, the more detours you have…
the better your cupcake is going to be.
At least that's what I'm told by that voice inside my head… every time I trip and fall and feel like God hates me.
If you haven't guessed… that voice is the principal source of communication between me and God and the Universe.
Kind of like conference calling.
They're quite technologically advanced up there.
If they have the GPS, they obviously have conference calling.
Why, do more turns imply a better cupcake you ask me?!!
The system isn't simple or easy.
But it is brilliant.
If you just want a vanilla cupcake with frosting- you need, say, 12 ingredients.
Baking soda and eggs included.
Just making sure- that they're included.
You can leave the eggs out if you want eggless cupcakes.
But I'm not sure if they'll be soft and spongy then.
Not sure it's worth the risk.
I'm getting back to the point now.
If you stop at a number of places and you pick up sprinkles and nuts and some coffee, your cupcake is going to taste that much better.
So the summary of 'Life's Cupcake Kitchen' is this:
Whenever something inexplicable happens, something that you don't know the reason behind, something that hurts really bad and something that seems to have changed the course of your life, something that puts that three ton weight on your chest, something that leaves you lost and confused-
It's a pit-stop.
You are unconsciously picking up an ingredient.
Something that will help you appreciate the cupcake.
And when you look back, you'll realize that had you NOT experienced that- you would have never fully appreciated the life you've had.
And the reasons behind the events?!? The inexplicable turn your life took?!
The sudden turn into Sorrow street?! Or down Depression Avenue?!
They will reveal themselves slowly in the due course of time.
It will all make sense one day.
There's this famous quote, which I think ties up very nicely with my theory:
"You see, the universe has a plan, kids. And that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings...and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought, but it's also kinda wonderful. All these little parts of a machine, constantly working, making sure you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there.
The right place at the right time."
I would have invited questions- if I was the inventor of the system.
But I'm not.
God kinda beat me to it.
I know what some of the questions are:
Why is the destination kept secret?
Is there a guarantee that I will get to the kitchen in time?
Or will I be left picking up 'Ingredients' all my life?
Why don't I just get a list of the ingredients- so I know what's happening?
How do I know the oven I'm using is of the good quality?
What if I don't have the cupcake recipe?
What happens if the cupcake doesn't rise?
I don't really know.
I'm gonna go with the explanation that God's just mean sometimes.
But if you can come up with a better life analogy than 'Life's Cupcake Kitchen', I'll stuff french fries up my nostrils and dance on a Moulin Rouge song on top of the Eiffel Tower.
In full view of the public.
The fries are on me.
But you're paying for my flight to Paris.