November 4, 2011

Future Suffering Arithmetic

In today's installment of the Pious Hippie Life Saver Program I bring to you an ingenious way to reduce your future suffering.

That’s right.

I've finally worked out the formula to reduce future suffering.
Next on the agenda: a cure for balding.

Since the procedure is not completely tested, I would advise readers to avoid trying this at home. For now.
I have bravely volunteered to test this on myself- and take my place in the 'Anti Future Suffering Procedure Invention Hall of Fame'.

Below, I will proceed to lay down my discovery for the sake of documentation, should I fail to survive.

Like all things, this requires a lot of hard work but the solution is so logically sound- I had tears in my eyes when I came up with it.
And no, I was not chopping onions at that time.
Nor did a bee sting me in the eye.
And I was not playing 'Who blinks first' with my pet dog.
Not at the time, anyway.

The solution has it's roots in one of my previous posts: Broccoli sucks.
If you are also stunned by my prescient brilliance, join the club.
No seriously…. There's a club.
The Pious Hippie Prescient Brilliance Fan Club (PHPBFC).
I'm the only member so far… but I'm expecting a flood of membership applications very very soon.

Anyway, I had said way back then that:

Another part of Vipassna teachings was the belief that your good times and bad times are dictated by your life's karma.

Even if you've stopped sowing the seeds of bad karma, the results of your previous actions dictate your condition today.
That's right.
Wish you hadn't bullied the poor nerdy kid back in kindergarten now, don’t ya?

The more you suffer, the more bad karma you get out of the way.
The less there is left behind to make you suffer -later- in the future.
So the difficulty and the suffering is pumping away your bad karma… which means that they are actually reducing your future suffering.  

The diagram illustrating this concept is shown below.
Now I introduce some simple algebra to impart a sense of complicated math to the concept.
Because that makes me look smart.
And I've got free time.
And because I never get to show off my smartness to anyone.

Total bad karma=Suffering ( Current + Future )

Opening up the parentheses we get:
Total bad karma= Current Suffering + Future Suffering

Total bad karma - current suffering = Future suffering

Total bad karma is constant;
provided you don't do anything bad in the present or future.

Thus a 10% increase in current suffering = 10% decrease in future suffering

So by increasing current suffering over and above what is provided by God and the Universe, I can effectively reduce my future suffering.

It's just that simple.

Now we get to the more pertinent question:

How do I increase my current suffering?

I walk into walls on purpose.
And pierce my skin with needles.
And  stand on the highway with arms open and allow the suffering to hit me head on.
I'm just messing with you.

Don’t worry.
I know I have issues but not such big ones.

If you look at our suffering- the kind that is actually the hardest- you will see it's all in the head.
The brain.
The crux of all the problems of humanity.
The birthplace of all misery.
The Satan of all human organs.
I have major beef with my brain, if you haven't noticed, by the way.
I'd rather be a jellyfish than have a brain like mine.

So I have to increase my current suffering mentally.

Now obviously there are infinite ways to do this.
All forms of mental torture to the self will work.

The methods that are the easiest and come most readily to mind is deprivation in
I said food.

So starting tomorrow- I will stop consuming any food that makes me feel good.
Basically, I have to give up chocolate and coffee.
In any form.

I LOVE chocolate and coffee.
And NOT having chocolate and coffee will make me suffer.

I hate apples and bananas.
So I'm going to have two apples everyday.
And a banana.
Because every bite of an apple is like a trip to hell and back for me.
And every banana bite feels like I'm chewing on ear wax.

If I have to choose between two things- one of which I like more;
I will choose the one I like less.
Without cheating obviously.
That means I can't tell myself that I actually hate chocolate cupcakes so I'm going to pick that instead of the broccoli.
That would be a waste of time.
And completely useless.
And if you're wasting your time, you'd rather do something useful like… staring at the ceiling.
There are medical benefits of staring at the ceiling that doctors haven't discovered yet.

The harder procedures are much more difficult to follow- but again- the more you increase your current suffering- the less there is left over for the future.

The harder practices include:

NOT responding to an insult with an insult.
Which is going to be easy for me because my brain can't come up with a witty come back at short notice anyway.
I have spoken about my wit-less brain before.
Doing things for people even when I don't want to.
Basically doing anything that makes me unhappy.

It's mental torture.
And it sounds mental.

But the logic (and math) behind it is irrefutable.
It's simply beautiful.

Suffer your way to future happiness.

I'm on my way.

Please note: The extreme nature of mental torture means that this procedure will have best results only for those who have been suffering a great deal and nothing good has happened to them since time immemorial.
Or a very long time.

If good things have been happening to you…
Just get out of here.
Why are you even reading this stuff?
What is wrong with you?!?

I will notify you as soon as I empty out my bad karma reservoir and good things start happening to me.

Should I not survive this… I'd like to donate my almost non-existent savings to the promotion of my newly founded club.
You know.
The Pious Hippie Prescient Brilliance Fan Club (PHPBFC).
Let it encourage further research into stuff for the betterment of the human race.
And let that research be prescient.
And brilliant.

I fare thee well world.
I wish I could have been of more service to you.
But alas.
It may not to be.

I have goose bumps.
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The Pious Hippie by Ms. Pious Hippie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.