Dear Stubborn Jackass,
I'm going to start by saying that, despite what you believe, I DO NOT hate you.
I don't particularly like you.
You could have been smarter.
Maybe less stubborn.
Some wit wouldn’t have hurt either.
But despite all that, I don’t really 'hate' you.
The truth is that you served me well for the first few decades of my life.
In high school, your thinking lobes presumably hadn't developed and so you slept through it.
But the 'bulimic' memory lobes served me quite well.
Memorizing tons of data before a test and then throwing it all up at the opportune moment.
It got me the grades and for that I'll be forever thankful.
Thereafter, your thinking lobes woke up and formed the major part of my personality.
Can't complain much there.
You did a stellar job.
Quite a doozy.
More recently though, you've become really annoying.
You don't listen.
You're easily distracted.
You have no control over yourself.
And when you start worrying- you're hyphee.
That means hyperactively crazy- I picked that up from my 16 year old cousin.
The stuff kids say nowadays!
It's banana oil.
You're all of 28 years old and I still have to distract you with something to stop you from thinking about something else.
What are you…. Five?!?
It's driving me crazy and if I ever decide not to have kids, it will be your fault.
ALL your fault.
And the worrying….oh my God... the worrying.
You have to stop dude.
You really do.
You don't see it but its killing us.
You think the worrying is helping…
and with all the worrying you might come up with a solution…
But you know what??!?
I think the solutions you've come up with are pretty good.
They'll get us through the year.
So just calm your farm.
Don't have a cow.
I picked that up from Bart Simpson.
I'm clever that way.
You gotta stop doubting yourself too.
You still have some fight left in you.
Know how I know that?!?
I got two words for you.
You're like fantastic in yoga class.
You have it together.
You're focused and calm.
And look at the power you wield over the body.
You're all that and a bag of chips.
And then you step out and you flip out all over again.
It's Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde three times over.
This letter is to tell you to cut it out.
We got a long way to go and you CANNOT keep throwing hissy fits every second.
Stop acting like a drama queen and pull up your diaper.
We're in this together and we'll come out of it together.
You know why we're being made to go through this when everyone else around us has it easy?!?
You know why?
It's coz God knows we're the only ones who can survive it.
And that's saying something.
So whatdya say?!?!
Are you with me?!?!
ARE YOU WITH ME?!?
Can you even read??!
Yours Involuntarily, Irreversibly and Inescapably,
The Pious Hippie.