June 15, 2011

Goosefraba: Part 1

You know why pillow fights are so much fun?

You get a license to kill.
Well not 'kill' really. But to beat the stuffing out of someone.
And no one to answer to.

Everything's fair in love and war.
And, man, a pillow fight is war.

It's a honey coated weapon of passive aggression.

So when you see those scenes in romcoms where the male protagonist and his love interest are courting each other and they engage in 'friendly' or 'romantic' pillow fights- don't be fooled. Each blow to the face from that down filled head rest is a craftily devised punishment for hidden grudges harbored since the first time they met.

THAT'S for not returning my smile at the coffee shop.
And THAT's for acting pricey the first time I spoke to you.
And THAT's for ordering the expensive lobster when I took you out for dinner for the first time.  

That's what I think.

And while we're on the subject of what I think, I have another classification post. Like Kings, Jacks and Noblemen. This time, I classify people according to their anger profile.

If you weren't already awed with my literary acumen, prepare to be dazzled by my psychological perceptivity (yea, that's a word) and keen observations and discernment-ness.
Yes. I know. That's not a word.
Geez. Someone's a little uptight about their English.

So, here's a very broad categorization of angry people, àla ME.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to introduce my new terminology, to demonstrate this revolutionary theory of anger.  

  • The ang-extroverts.
Who will be referred to as angextroverts from here on.

  • The ang-introverts.
Referred to as angintroverts below.

  • The Punch liners.

  • The Cry-o-holics.

  • The Cucumbers

Let's take an external stimulus.
Someone walks into the room and yells, 'You're a jerk'.
Don't laugh.
It could happen.

Angextroverts will give themselves very little reaction time. They start raving and ranting in a fit of fury. Often their arguments are unintelligible. On the inside, they feel intense heat and the tingling feeling it brings. And there's a rush of blood to the face. Their eyes widen, brows draw in and their nostrils flare. They'll start breathing harder, partly due to the increase in blood pressure and partly because they're out of breath from the screaming. Sometimes, they will show signs of physical aggression. Their name implies that they vent their anger on the outside. Hence, the merge of the words anger and extrovert.
I know.
I'm a genius.  

The angintorvert: the angextrovert's alter ego. Obviously.
They have the same physical reactions on the inside as the angextroverts. Intense heat, tingly feeling, rush of blood, quicker breaths, heart pounding, increased blood pressure. The outside, though, gets paralyzed. Limbs don't co-operate. Tongue goes limp. They want to say something, defend themselves. But their brain shuts down. The external stimulus leaves. And it takes sometime before their brain reboots itself. But nothing has been forgotten. The angintroverts are seething from the feeling of being incapacitated. They take it out on themselves.
Why didn't I say anything?
What the h*ll's wrong with me?
The least I could have said is, 'No, you're a jerk'. 

The Punch liners are the gifted few. They have a brain that functions quickly and uses it's wit as it's weapon. Again the reaction time is very little. But it's enough. Enough to do damage that the external stimulus will take a while to get over. I'm not sure about what goes on on the inside. I think they're like angextroverts but in control. They don't get caught up in the moment and they DO NOT rant. Just like the punch line in a joke, they deliver the full impact. Concise and accurate.
Bada-bing. Bada-boom.

The cry-o-holics. The name says it all.
It's safe to say that the proportion of women to men in this category is quite high.

They are like angintroverts with over active tear glands. They feel the intense heat, tingly feeling, rush of blood. Then their breaths quicken and their lips start twitching. Their vision starts getting blurry because of tear filled eyes and their quick breaths now turn into sobs. Now one of two things can happen. Either they try to force words out of their mouth. But they are incomprehensible through all the weeping. Sometimes the words are a little clear but they can't possibly have the impact of the punch liner or angextrovert because they have ceded a lot of ground to the external stimulus because of their tears. Their arguments are long, drawn out, focused on the outside.
You're the jerk.
You're the reason I'm a jerk.
Your whole family is full of jerks.
I hate you, you jerk.
The hybrid of angextrovert and cry-o-holic. 

Or in the other case, their tongue goes limp and their limbs only perform the function of wiping their tears. Or maybe, not even that. And the fit of fury lodges itself inside their throat like a sneeze that hasn't found its way out. And the tears form a puddle on the floor. And they wonder what's wrong with them? Why can't they say anything? Why do they have to start crying like an immature imbecile?
Yup. You guessed it.
A hybrid of angintrovert and cry-o-holic.

Finally, the cucumber.
The guy who never feels the intense heat, or the rush of blood to his face.
He's calm and composed.
Cool as a cucumber.
Get it?
Cucumber. Cool.
Again. I know, I'm a genius.  

He begins therapy for the stimulus.

I'm sorry you feel that way young man.
Here have a seat.

Cucumber ( C): What have I done to make you feel that I'm a jerk?
Stimulus (S): I don't know. It's the way you look. (He pouts).
C: Hm. Is that because people ignored you when you were young because you weren't a 'cute' child?
S: Maybe. I don't know (His lips start quivering).
C: That's a shame. That's not fair.
S: I know it's not. (He holds his face and the waterworks begin).
C: Now now, calm down child. Remember that was just a phase. It's all over now. Let go of your emotional baggage. You'll feel lighter.
S: Thank you, oh great Cucumber person.
C: You're welcome son.

Maybe not ALL cucumbers are like that. But more or less. They stay collected and serene. They see why the stimulus has acted the way he has. They forgive. They move on. Maybe they impart a few words of wisdom. Maybe some tough love. All for the benefit of the stimulus though.

Now a qualification.
There are certain people that exhibit the outward appearance of the cucumber, but this can be misleading. These are the people who have not really heard or comprehended the external stimulus. They don't react or show any of the symptoms of the other categories. They seem to be walking around with ear-plugs in their ears. Or counting sheep jumping over the fence. In broad daylight. An exemplary example is George W. Bush.

For the purpose of my theory, they don't exist.

For the record, I'm an angintroverted cry-o-holic.

I'm sure you think that I've left a lot of people out.

But, I'd like to think of these categories as similar to star signs. You could be an Aries with an ascending Scorpio moon and a descending Libran sun or something like that. What I mean is, that you could have some elements of different categories. They aren't mutually exclusive.

To help you find out more about your anger profile, I've assembled a flowchart to lead you to a conclusion (click to enlarge). Just follow the questions and it will lead to the diagnosis. If you belong to more than one category, just repeat the cycle as necessary.

I've really done my homework for this one.

P.S. If you get mixed up along the way, it's your fault. Not the flowchart's.
       Just start again, okay?     

Also its possible to have a different anger profile under different circumstances. You could be an angextrovert in front of your best friend but if a cop calls you a jerk, chances are, you might act like an angintrovert or a cry-o-holic.
If you're a punch liner, sticking to your usual behavior could get you a night in the slammer.

It's time to bid farewell to the cucumbers now.

Since you have already mastered the art of anger management, you don't belong with us lesser beings. You can go counsel the poor guy who's walking around calling everyone a jerk.

(Exit Cucumbers).

Stupid cucumbers. They think they're so cool with their coolness.
Ooh, ooh look at me.
I'm a cucumber.
I'm so cool. I'm so calm.
They make me barf.
If you're smart, and good-looking, and cool, you'll want to read Part 2.

If you don't then you'll be a loser.
All your friends will laugh at you.

I think you better read Part 2.
For the sake of your reputation.
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The Pious Hippie by Ms. Pious Hippie is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.