Dear
Stubborn Jackass,
I'm going
to start by saying that, despite what you believe, I DO NOT hate you.
I don't
particularly like you.
You could
have been smarter.
Maybe less
stubborn.
Some wit
wouldn’t have hurt either.
But
despite all that, I don’t really 'hate' you.
The truth
is that you served me well for the first few decades of my life.
In high
school, your thinking lobes presumably hadn't developed and so you slept
through it.
But the
'bulimic' memory lobes served me quite well.
Memorizing
tons of data before a test and then throwing it all up at the opportune moment.
It got me
the grades and for that I'll be forever thankful.
Thereafter,
your thinking lobes woke up and formed the major part of my personality.
Can't
complain much there.
You did a
stellar job.
Quite a
doozy.
More
recently though, you've become really annoying.
You're
stubborn.
You don't
listen.
You're
easily distracted.
You have
no control over yourself.
And when
you start worrying- you're hyphee.
That means
hyperactively crazy- I picked that up from my 16 year old cousin.
The stuff
kids say nowadays!
It's
banana oil.
You're all
of 28 years old and I still have to distract you with something to stop you
from thinking about something else.
What are
you…. Five?!?
It's
driving me crazy and if I ever decide not to have kids, it will be your fault.
ALL your
fault.
And the
worrying….oh my God... the worrying.
You have
to stop dude.
You really
do.
You don't
see it but its killing us.
You think
the worrying is helping…
and with
all the worrying you might come up with a solution…
But you
know what??!?
I think
the solutions you've come up with are pretty good.
They'll
get us through the year.
So just
calm your farm.
Don't have
a cow.
Yea.
I picked that up from Bart Simpson.
I'm clever
that way.
You gotta
stop doubting yourself too.
You still
have some fight left in you.
Know how I
know that?!?
I got two
words for you.
Yoga.
Class.
You're
like fantastic in yoga class.
You have
it together.
You're
focused and calm.
And look
at the power you wield over the body.
The
balance.
The
flexibility.
The poise.
You're all
that and a bag of chips.
And then
you step out and you flip out all over again.
It's Dr.
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde three times over.
Why?!?
Why?!?!
WHY?!?!
This
letter is to tell you to cut it out.
We got a
long way to go and you CANNOT keep
throwing hissy fits every second.
Stop
acting like a drama queen and pull up your diaper.
We're in
this together and we'll come out of it together.
You know
why we're being made to go through this when everyone else around us has it
easy?!?
You know
why?
It's coz
God knows we're the only ones who can survive it.
And that's
saying something.
So whatdya
say?!?!
Are you
with me?!?!
ARE YOU
WITH ME?!?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Hello?!?!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait…..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Can you even read??!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Dang it.
Never
Mind.
Yours
Involuntarily, Irreversibly and Inescapably,
The Pious
Hippie.
